Why are some Americans marrying later in life?

For a growing number of men and women, it’s over the hill and down the aisle.
More and more Americans are now waiting until later in life—even into their 40s—to settle down and get married.

The number of people between 40 and 54 who have never married more than doubled between 1975 and 2006 (the last year for which data is available), based on a FLYP analysis of U.S. Census records. Today, about 10 percent of 50–54 year olds, 13 percent of 45–49 year olds and 15 percent of 40–44 year olds have never tied the knot.
This represents a dramatic change over the past few decades. In 1975, just 5 percent of people in those age ranges had never married.

“It’s about getting through college, it’s about career, it’s about growing up and wanting to go have fun before settling down and being responsible,” says David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute.

Steele also notes that late first marriages among baby boomers are part of a broader trend. Over the past quarter-century, the average age for marriage has risen from the early-20s to the mid-20s.

What’s going on? People put off marriage for a whole host of reasons. Many who hit their 40s without getting married want to stay single because they value their independence. Men, who are slightly less likely to be married at age 40 than women, are particularly likely to view the intimacy that comes with marital relationships as constricting.

But some hit middle age and decide they no longer want a solitary life.
According to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, the chief relationship expert for PerfectMatch.com, such a decision could be prompted by a crisis such as illness or economic hardship, or it could be the desire to raise children. The reasons can also be less dramatic—some people simply get over their fear of commitment.
In our rollover feature, Dr. Pepper Schwartz outlines the intentional and accidental reasons behind delayed vows.Of course, it can be difficult for boomers and seniors to meet new people, since unlike members of Gen X and Y, they aren’t often at social events with lots of single strangers. But that deficit has fueled the growth of online dating services targeted at this niche.

One such service, Senior FriendFinder has seen its active user base balloon to 200,000 over the past two years. That’s up 50 percent, according to Lindsay Dovgin, the site’s head of corporate communications. At least thirteen percent of Senior FriendFinder’s users have never been married.

Another site, Spark Notes’s Primesingles.net, has 35,000 active members, according to spokeswoman Gail Laguna. And Yahoo! Personals reported a 33 percent increase between January 2006 and November 2007 in the number of never-married users aged 45 and over.

Of course, the answer may not be online. Steele sees online matchmaking as impersonal. Instead, he recommends that middle-aged singletons look at people already in their lives and think about improving relationships with friends, co-workers and neighbors.

By constantly trying to transform themselves through external factors such as a change in setting, “you’re just putting your old self in a new situation,” Steele says.
Moreover, finding someone you want to marry is only half the battle. Marriage after 40 brings challenges 25- and 30-year-olds don’t necessarily face.

A newlywed may struggle in the role of stepparent, trying to take on too much or too little responsibility early on. Middle-aged people are also generally very entrenched in their habits; it can be harder to consider a new city, sell real estate, leave a job or even adjust the day of your tennis lesson.

“People aren’t used to being on a team,” says Schwartz. “There has to be negotiation, a lot of opening up.”
Still, making those adjustments is critical for boomers in search of a spouse. In Schwartz’s view, “if you don’t want to change anything in your life, you’ll wind up lonely.”
I do or I don’t: take FLYP’s test to see how your opinions about online dating and marrying later in life compare to other readers and national survey results.